Scholars who study forgiveness
say it is not a saintly act beyond ordinary
folks' capacity but rather a vital skill that
can be mastered with practice.
"It's so hard for us
today because it's not the sort of thing we're
used to doing," says Robert Roberts, Baylor
University professor of ethics and a member
of the Society for Christian Psychology.
"What you see in the
Amish community is daily, concerted practice.
It's built into how they live and their psychological
formation. ... We've gotten away from these
attitudes that support being a forgiving person."
Instead of compassion,
empathy and an awareness of our own sins,
we hold on to our victim status, our sense
of entitlement and superiority, he says. Refusing
to forgive is a form of self-righteousness.
Also, he says, "people
fear if they forgive, they have forfeited
justice. That's not true. ... It's not as
though the person ought not be held responsible
for what he or she has done."
Everett Worthington,
psychology professor at Virginia Commonwealth
University, was studying forgiveness when
he had to confront it himself in a horrifying
way: His mother was murdered by a youth who
broke into her home and bludgeoned her with
a crowbar.
"I could make a decision
to forgive this killer. But if he were caught,
that doesn't mean there should be no social
consequences for his act. ... Justice and
forgiveness can work hand in hand."
In the years following
his mother's death, he promoted international
research on forgiveness, and he edited Handbook
of Forgiveness, a compilation of work
by 31 researchers assessing 900 articles on
the topic, which was published last year.
"It boils down to this:
People can learn to forgive... If they do
achieve more forgiveness, it will have physical
and mental health benefits, benefits to their
relationships and perhaps to their spirit
as well," he says.
Few people will have
to face forgiving a killer, but many will
encounter betrayal, neglect and other deep
wounds inflicted by family, friends or co-workers,
says Rabbi Irwin Kula of New York.
"Forgiving doesn't mean
condoning," says Kula, author of Yearnings:
Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life.
"It doesn't mean everything becomes all right
or that brokenness goes away." Instead, he
says, it requires us to "admit the betrayal,
admit the brokenness and to make a decision
not to put it in a place inside us that will
be toxic."
"Forgiving is allowing
your personal journey to continue while maintaining
trust and hope in other human beings," he
says. "It's every bit as hard as we think
it is, but if you don't have any practice,
it's almost impossible."
